Beginnings: Complicated

from the Wayside series
by scribblemoose

Gojyo shut the door behind him and leaned against it. Relieved.

"You're home early, Gojyo." Hakkai barely looked up from his book.

"It was quiet," said Gojyo, shrugging out of his jacket. "Only a couple of guys there and they both know me too well to risk their money. I brought beer home." He put a can on the table in front of Hakkai, and ripped the tab on one for himself.

"Thank you. No girls?" Hakkai teased.

Gojyo forced a smile. "None that were quite my style, if you know what I mean."

That was a lie. There had been girls there, and more than one had made offers that Gojyo would have enthusiastically accepted a month or two ago.

But not tonight. Tonight felt different.

He knew why. But he didn't want to think about it.

"You're getting fussy in your old age," said Hakkai.

"This isn't about you!" Gojyo snapped, temper welling up out of nowhere. "This is nothing to do with you! I'm still all man, Hakkai, I still like girls plenty and they still like me."

Hakkai blinked at him in surprise. "Um... I'm sure they do. I didn't mean to cast any aspersions on your masculinity, Gojyo-san."

Gojyo grappled with the word 'aspertion' for a moment before giving in. "Huh?"

"That is, I didn't mean to imply that you were any the less of a man because we, um, enjoy each others' company."

Sometimes, when Hakkai was being so damn nice like this, Gojyo wondered whether he really meant a word of what he was saying. He had a suspicion that he was missing something, somewhere, but he'd not known the man long enough to be sure, and his expression - most of the time - was so damn friendly and passive it gave no clues. Even his eyes expressed little other than mild shock and disappointment.

That annoyed the fuck out of Gojyo sometimes, too.

"Whatever." He slumped on the bed, and kicked his boots off. Took a long draught of his beer. Lit another cigarette.

Hakkai was starting to read again; Gojyo couldn't allow that.

"Besides, I'm not a slut. I'm picky about who gets the benefit of the love machine that is Sha Gojyo."

He sounded like a pathetic excuse for a moron, he knew he did.

Hakkai just smiled, and laughed his false little laugh. Gojyo got up and reached for his jacket.

"Gojyo?"

"I'm going for a walk."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I just feel like a walk."

"But-"

"Stop fucking nagging, Hakkai!"

"But Gojyo, you don't have any boots on."

Startled, Gojyo looked down at his socked feet. Fuck, Hakkai was right. "I know that," he muttered irritably. "I'm about to put them on."

"You only just got in."

"So? What the fuck are you, my wife?!"

Finally, Hakkai's mask slipped. He looked surprised. Shocked, even. And just a little bit hurt.

Guilt crawled over Gojyo like a rash, and his anger faded away to nothing.

"Shit. Man. I'm sorry. Oh shit, shit shit."

He sat back on the bed, and buried his face in his hands. He had no right to take it out on Hakkai. It was nothing to do with Hakkai at all.

Damn, but he wished this day would end.

"Gojyo, what's wrong?"

Hakkai sat next to him, ventured an arm around his shoulder.

"Nothing. I'm fine." But he didn't push Hakkai away. The warmth of another body was comforting. Especially this body. The one he didn't have to hide things from.

Oh.

"It's just not a good day for me," he said. So quietly that he wasn't sure Hakkai would hear. But he did, of course.

"I understand," was all he said. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Not asking any questions. Hakkai never asked questions. Not the deep, invasive sort, anyway.

"It's complicated," said Gojyo.

Hakkai just sat there, warm and comforting, and smoothed Gojyo's hair down his back.

"It's my birthday," said Gojyo.

Hakkai regarded him steadily for a moment. "I take it that's not a happy occasion for you," he said softly.

"No, not really. My mother..."

That's all he said. That's all he needed to say. Hakkai looked sad, and as if he cared.

"I usually go out and get wrecked like you wouldn't believe," said Gojyo. "Last year I woke up with three girls and a lot of happy memories. But my heart wasn't in it tonight. It doesn't work any more."

"It doesn't always. Alcohol is a fickle mistress."

So are fickle mistresses, thought Gojyo.

"Only one more hour," said Hakkai. "Then it will be a new day."

He smiled, and for once it warmed his eyes. He meant it. He cared. Gojyo wasn't alone.

He took the cigarette out of his mouth.

He cradled the base of Hakkai's skull in the palm of his hand, and kissed him. He swallowed the little noise that Hakkai made, half surprise, half pleasure. He kissed him, soft, tender, like he'd kiss a woman. Softer, even. He stroked the tip of Hakkai's tongue with his own, tasted beer and green tea. Hakkai's hand fisted in Gojyo's shirt at his waist, tugging it up out of his jeans.

Yes. That's right.

That's the way.

That's what he'd been looking for.

No.

Gojyo froze. He was such a bastard. What, he couldn't bring himself to use a woman so he'd use Hakkai to while away the time instead? Full of disgust at himself, Gojyo pulled away, and tried to shove his shirt back in his pants. Hakkai was having none of it, pulling the fabric out as soon as Gojyo got it back in.

"Hakkai, stop it!"

"Why?"

Hakkai's lips were slightly parted, a little swollen, his tongue pressed against his teeth. His hair tumbled over his weak eye, the other full of confusion and need.

"I can't do this."

He supposed Hakkai had every right to look alarmed. It wasn't as if he'd ever said no before.

"Okay, then," Hakkai said. "We could play cards, or-"

"I wouldn't want to take your money." Gojyo managed a weak smile.

"Hm."

"Oh fuck." Gojyo pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead on them. "Fuck, fuck fuck."

"Gojyo-" Hakkai's hand rested, strong and obscenely comforting, on Gojyo's shoulder.

"No. I can't do this," Gojyo told his knees. "You're my friend. I won't use you like a whore, or-"

"Gojyo, please be quiet." Hakkai's voice carried enough overtones of menace to make Gojyo look up sharply.

Hakkai looked almost angry for a moment. Then he reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind Gojyo's ear.

"You're a dear friend," he said. "But you talk absolute rubbish sometimes."

"I-"

"Be quiet, Gojyo," said Hakkai, in a way that made it hard to argue without sounding like a whining child. "Let me take care of you."

Suddenly there was a lump in Gojyo's throat and he could barely speak. "Take care of me?"

"Yes. Now, please let me take off your shirt."

Gojyo let his legs drop down, and watched as Hakkai made short work of his buttons. No sooner had his shirt been tossed to the end of the bed than his pants were being undone. Not in a particularly sexy way, but Hakkai was careful where it mattered and very efficient. Gojyo meekly let Hakkai move his limbs and shifted his butt on request until he was completely naked.

"Lie down," said Hakkai. "On your front, first. I'll be back in a minute. Close your eyes."

Gojyo did as he was told - well, almost. He couldn't help peeking out from under his hair to watch as Hakkai moved about the room, collecting a few things from the small cupboard: a blanket, Gojyo's cigarettes, ashtray and the cans of beer they'd abandoned.

He arranged his hoard on the rickety table on his side of the bed, and quickly undressed. In a few short moments he knelt at Gojyo's side, naked except for his underwear.

"You don't have to-" Gojyo started.

"Shh. I know I don't." And then there were warm, slick hands on his back, spreading good, good feelings over tense muscles. Gojyo groaned loudly, unable to help himself as Hakkai skillfully set about relaxing and exciting him all at once, kneading and rubbing and stroking his back in all the right places.

Gojyo didn't melt into the mattress and let his troubles float away. Things ran too deep for that. But he did relax a bit, and he found it surprisingly easy to put himself in Hakkai's hands and let him care for him. He even started to enjoy it.

And then Hakkai turned him over onto his back, and started to work his chest, his arms, his belly. Gojyo's cock was hard, of course, but Hakkai didn't seem to take too much notice of it. Gojyo wasn't sure whether to be offended or flattered by that, until he noticed the bulge in Hakkai's boxers and figured that it was self-sacrifice on Hakkai's part. Hakkai was good at self-sacrifice, after all.

However, no sooner had Gojyo resigned himself to a pretty much non-erotic encounter than Hakkai's hands gripped his hips, fingers pressing hard into the muscles and tendons there. One of Gojyo's soft spots, and Hakkai was well aware of it. Gojyo responded with an unmistakable moan and an arch of his back, glorious resistance to the hands that were pinning him firmly to the bed. Hakkai smiled.

"Is that nice?"

"You could say that," gasped Gojyo.

"How about this?" Hakkai's touch moved in a little, bare inches from Gojyo's straining cock now.

"Keep going," said Gojyo.

Hakkai did. He inched his way across Gojyo's pelvis until his knuckles brushed his erection.

And then he started to stroke it.

And fuck, it felt good.

But it wasn't just good for the tingles that ran up his spine, or the heavy coil of pleasure in his belly, or the growing ache in his balls. It was familiar. Safe. It felt like being loved.

To his horror, Gojyo felt a sob welling in his throat, and only just managed to swallow it down. His eyes flashed open and he sought some kind of anchor, something real and stupid that would get the world back into focus.

And saw Hakkai, looking at him as though he cared, stroking the hair back from his face with one hand while the other kept the lust flooding through his body.

"''Kai..." His lover's name came out as a pathetic squeak; Gojyo fervently hoped that Hakkai would think it was because he was turned on, and not because he was about to cry. He wasn't about to cry. He never cried.

He flung an arm around Hakkai's neck and tugged him down for a hard, bruising kiss, mouths sealed together, tongues twisting around each other, noses bumping. His hips were rocking up to thrust into Hakkai's hand; it felt good, so, so good, and everything fell away and there was just him and Hakkai and the good feelings, and he arched and quivered, flicked his tongue at Hakkai's teeth, raked his blunt nails across Hakkai's back, and Hakkai was murmuring to him and doing things to his cock that no-one else had done, ever, and too soon his balls were pulling tight and the head of his dick was tingling in that tell-tale way, and he was on the very edge of release, like standing on top of a cliff and looking down, and then he was falling, falling, spurting into Hakkai's hand, hips bucking, out of control. And there was a moment, the briefest moment, when everything was alright. A single lie, before the hurt came back.

He felt dizzy. Not dizzy like love, dizzy like fear, and Gojyo fought rising panic, forcing himself to suck air deep in his lungs, holding it there for a count of ten before hissing it out.

He opened his eyes, and looked at Hakkai's face, at the sad recognition deep in his beautiful green eyes. Gojyo frowned, not understanding, and then Hakkai smeared something wet across Gojyo's cheek with his thumb.

"It's okay to cry," Hakkai whispered, and suddenly Gojyo realised he was. Big, fat tears rolling down his cheeks and the side of his face and falling into his ears, and he couldn't stop. Mortified, he struggled up to sitting, half thinking he might escape, run to the bathroom or something, away from Hakkai and his understanding and remembering and making it all real by sharing it with him.

But Hakkai put his arms around him, and held him, and told him to breathe.

And Gojyo let him.

Gojyo let Hakkai hold him and rock him and whisper to him while he cried. Eventually, when his head ached from it and his face felt raw and salt-stung, and all he wanted was to slip into unconsciousness, Hakkai helped him into bed, and pulled the extra blanket over him, and settled down beside him and stroked his hair until he slept.

Much, much later, Gojyo woke to find the room in darkness apart from a single shaft of moonlight through the window. It cast everything in silver-grey, even Hakkai's skin, and Gojyo woke his lover with kisses, curled around him spoonwise and stroked and licked him, slipped inside of him, as close as another person could be, and they rocked together softly in the moonlight. Short breath and quiet voices and gentle hands and hair striping the pillow crimson-red and black.

The next time he woke it was morning, rich yellow and gold, and he was sprawled across Hakkai's chest, Hakkai's hand resting possessively on his butt. And Hakkai smiled a smug kind of smile, and Gojyo nuzzled Hakkai's neck, and thought how strange this was. That this was the thing that women always wanted, and the one thing he'd never give, and now here he was with Hakkai, who asked for nothing, and it didn't feel dangerous to love him, or complicated at all.

It just felt right.

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