Memories

First story in the Sands of Time series.
by scribblemoose

Chapter 4- Lost and Found

Zell sat hunched on a bench in the quad, his misery complete. He had followed Rinoa from the Training Centre, once he'd worked out something coherent to say. He arrived just in time to have his heart well and truly broken.

It wasn't just the kiss that hurt; he'd resigned himself long ago to the fact that either Irvine or Squall would get Rinoa one day. It was the fact that Irvine had been right all along. All Rinoa had needed today was a bit of pampering, encouragement and confidence-boosting, while Zell had given her challenges she couldn't possibly be expected to meet, barked orders and his own stupid jealousy.

Zell was widely thought of as a good instructor, he knew. He was generally cheerful and had huge energy and enthusiasm for his students. His own skills were considerable, even if he didn't have Irvine's patience or Squall's dedication. Somehow he brought the best out of the cadet's in his charge, making more of them than they thought possible. Even Rinoa: he knew deep down that he'd helped her control the raw power that was her birthright, and had at the beginning threatened to overwhelm her. He'd given her the discipline of a martial artist and shown her how to make her magic work for her. He'd helped her overcome her fear that she was weaker and less able than her friends.

But today, of all days, he'd let her down: he'd been jealous and stupid and had put her in danger. And as if that wasn't enough, he'd actually driven her into Irvine's arms. Literally.

"Hey, Zell. Alright?"

Of all the people Zell least wanted to see at that moment, Squall was certainly in the top three.

"Hey Squall. Fine."

"Have you seen Rinoa? I wanted to wish her luck with her exams and everything."

"Oh, you missed her. She just went in."

"Oh. Fuck." Squall sat down next to his friend. "Looks like I messed up - for a change."

"You and me both," muttered Zell.

"What did you do?"

"You wouldn't believe." Zell realised that he was on shaky ground all of a sudden. Squall wouldn't be at all pleased to hear that Zell had suggested Riona take on a T-Rex with no magic or back up, and even less thrilled that she'd been snogging Irvine in the quad. Worse still, if he didn't tell Squall himself, eventually he was bound to find out about some or all of these disasters, and know that Zell hadn't told him.

"You can tell me, you know, if it would help."

Why did Squall choose today, of all days, to practice being a sociable human being?

"Oh man." Zell paused for a moment. Maybe someone would come and interrupt this conversation. Or there could be an earthquake. Anything. But nothing happened. "Squall, I've done something stupid."

"What, for a change?" teased Squall, but one glance at his friend showed he'd put his foot in it. Again. "Oh, sorry. What happened?"

"I was really hard on Rinoa at training this morning. I thought I'd push her a bit and… I went too far."

"Is she OK?" Squall fought to keep the panic out of his voice.

"She's fine. I'm just worried she might choke on her exam. You know."

"Oh. Well. Look, Zell, you're her instructor. She really thinks highly of you, you know. However much you pushed her I'm sure she can take it."

Zell paused; there was some truth in that. Rinoa had a fiery temper, but she didn't hold grudges. Maybe she'd forgive him. Except…

"I think she's kind of taken refuge in Irvine."

"Refuge?"

"Well, I, they…" Zell looked at Squall's anxious face and realised he couldn't be the one to tell him. Whatever the consequences, he just couldn't. "I don't know. Look, Squall, you know they're close. Don't you ever worry that they might get closer?"

"It's none of my business," said Squall quietly, his eyes fixed on a patch of paving between his feet.

"Squall, I don't understand why you do this. We all know how much you like Rinoa. It's been going on like this ever since Ultimecia. If you don't ask her out you'll lose her. Doesn't that bother you?"

Zell hadn't talked to Squall like this before, not least because he'd always harboured some hope that maybe, just maybe, he could win Rinoa for himself. Whether it was his recognition that she would never care for him in that way, or just his guilt for that morning's events, he suddenly felt it was very important to persuade Squall to take action.

"What makes you think she still likes me?" Squall's words sounded hollow, even to him.

"Oh man, you're hopeless. She can't take her eyes off you. She's always wanting to be with you, she worries about you all the time. She's the most beautiful woman in the whole of Garden and yet she's been single since… Seifer."

Squall winced. That wasn't a name he liked to hear.

"She likes Irvine, though. You said so yourself."

"I said she might take refuge in him. That's different."

"He could… take care of her much better than me." Squall sighed. "He's much better at that kind of thing."

And how, thought Zell. He didn't have any answers to that. Maybe Irvine could make Rinoa happy. He certainly had this morning.

"You should talk to her, Squall. That's all."

Squall didn't answer. He tried to fight the pain he was feeling at the thought of Rinoa with anyone else. He had no right to feel that pain; he had no claim over her, he should set her free. Only…

"I'd better get back to the Training Centre," Zell was saying, "I've got a class due soon. I'll see you later, man."

Squall nodded.

He sat there for a long time after Zell had gone, trying to work out what he should do. He knew how much he loved Rinoa; he had always loved her. He was just afraid, afraid of rejection, of losing her, or losing his friends, of losing himself. Damn. He shook his head, trying to think straight. He thought too much, that's what people always told him. Maybe that was the problem: he should stop thinking and just do stuff on impulse, like Zell, or Selphie. But that wasn't his nature, he had too much responsibility on his shoulders to take risks. Even so, when it was Garden, SeeD stuff, he could make decisions, really difficult decisions, life-or-death decisions, even, without any problem. So how come whenever he tried to imagine being with Rinoa, telling her how much he felt for her, a fog descended and he just ended up confused? And with a headache.

He was jolted out of his deep thoughts by the lunchtime buzzer. Time to go and make sure all was well, check in with Quistis, and report back on yesterday's mission to Xu. He wasn't looking forward to that much, either.

He still hadn't remembered how he'd collected those damn crystals.

* * * * * * *

Irvine had carefully dismantled his gun and was cleaning each part with a cloth and putting it away in it's padded case. He often found it therapeutic, a comfortingly familiar routine. Strange, really, to find comfort in something that he'd killed with so often.

His head was still reeling from kissing Rinoa, partly because it had set every fibre of his being alight with lust, and partly because it was so completely unexpected, but mostly because he felt hollow and guilty and hated himself. He didn't know how to resolve this potent combination of emotions, and just felt dizzy and confused.

He opened a drawer to get out a long brush to clean the barrel of his gun. He spotted a chain tucked away at the back: a bracelet of Selphie's he'd promised to mend for her, ages ago. Tears threatened suddenly and he slammed the drawer shut, went to look out of the window. He saw Squall making his way across the quad towards the lift. He looked so miserable, it was almost as if he knew.

Remembering Squall brought another level to Irvine's misery. He resolved that Squall must never find out, or Selphie. He and Rinoa would keep it a secret, a moment's madness, soon forgotten.

He started cleaning his gun again.

Of course, he knew they never would forget, not really. He didn't want Rinoa like he wanted Selphie, he knew Rinoa didn't want him either, and there was no way he wanted to hurt Squall for what would inevitably be a transitory pleasure.

But he had tasted something sweet and luscious and very exciting, and he wanted to cherish the memory forever.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa dropped her test paper on the pile on the invigilator's desk with a sigh. For a whole two hours she had managed to push everything to the back of her mind, while she concentrated on her exam. Now all her worries came flooding back.

She went back to her seat and waited patiently while her fellow students handed their papers in, some looking relieved, some anxious, some downright pleased with themselves.

"Before you go," the invigilator called out when the last paper had been added to the pile, "I have just been informed of an accident at the Fire Cavern. Nobody has been seriously hurt, but those of you expecting to attend for your tests later today should check the notice-board to find out the new time slot you've been allocated. That's all. You may go."

No, thought Rinoa, let me stay here. Exams are simple: you just answer right or wrong, you're on your own. You can't hurt anyone by answering test papers. Out there in the world I have to hurt people.

Wearily she got up and left the safety of the exam room. She considered where to go: she should go talk to Irvine and clear things up; she ought to see Zell and find out what had possessed him to try and get her killed this morning. She certainly ought to find Xian and apologise for nearly destroying a wall in the Training Centre. She was hungry, too, and she needed to find out when she was due at the Fire Cavern.

But first, she had to talk to Squall.

* * * * * * *

She found him in his office, receiving a report on the Fire Cavern accident from Instructor Chet. She could see through the window in Squall's office door that Chet looked beaten up and seemed upset, and ordinarily she wouldn't have interrupted, but she knew if she didn't see Squall now she might not catch him before someone else did. And then it would get complicated. More complicated.

She knocked briefly on the door and went straight in.

"Squall, I'm sorry to interrupt, but…"

"Rinoa, hi! That's fine, Chet was just going. You heard about the accident."

"Yes," she remembered her manners, saluted Chet and Squall, "there was an announcement."

"Chet's student bolted on him. Got nervous and ran away."

"She was not," Chet corrected, "my student. I was assigned." He clearly didn't approve of the new system of support. "My students do not suffer from nerves."

"I'm sure they don't," said Squall; whether from diplomacy or with a hint of sarcasm, Rinoa couldn't be sure.

"I must go now," announced Chet. "I trust you will consider what I said."

"Of course. Take care of yourself, Chet."

Chet saluted Squall, gave Rinoa a formal nod and left. As soon as the door clicked shut Squall leapt over his desk and gave Rinoa a very unexpected hug.

"How did it go? I'm so sorry I missed you. I wanted to say good luck."

"It was fine, thanks." Riona's heart sank. Squall looked so… well, almost happy. She couldn't remember the last time he'd hugged her, or anyone else, for that matter.

"Don't worry about the Fire Cavern," he was saying, "Chet's insisted that we run checks and make sure his student's Guardian hasn't gone native."

"Oh." Rinoa briefly wondered what this meant, but refused to be distracted. "Squall, I've got something to tell you. Well, three things."

His face fell. He must have picked up the anxiety in her voice. He leaned against his desk, apprehensive and resigned all at once. She swallowed hard. He was so gorgeous, dark and strong and vulnerable all at once. She looked him straight into his beautiful, grey eyes and spoke, trying to fight back tears.

"I don't want you to be mad at anyone but me about this," she said, "I just… okay." She cleared her throat. "OK. First of all, I think I broke a wall in the Training Centre. Second of all, I think Zell's seriously lost the plot. And thirdly… " she tailed off.

Thirdly what, exactly? I haven't been unfaithful, because Squall and I aren't an item. I don't owe him anything.

She took a deep breath. Of course. I owe him my life, more than once. I owe him my home, my training, my future. I owe him my honesty.

"Thirdly, I kissed Irvine in the quad."

She waited for him to say something. She'd expected, maybe even hoped, that he'd lose his temper, shout at her. But he didn't say anything. He just looked terribly, terribly hurt.

He turned his back to her, stared out of the window. This is it, then, he thought. This is the pain I wanted so much to avoid. That's irony for you. All this time I've been resisting Riona, hiding my feelings, keeping a distance between us, and for nothing. He felt all the jealousy, regret and anger he would have felt if she'd cheated on him, yet he knew she would never have cheated on him. He turned and looked at her, allowing himself some satisfaction in her obvious discomfort.

"That's nice for you." His voice was like ice.

"Squall, I…"

"You what, exactly? Rinoa? It really isn't any of my business. You're free to kiss whoever you want."

She looked helplessly at him, but something about the way he was fighting his feelings started to get to her.

"You don't mean that, Squall. You can't come over all distant leader with me. I know you, dammit. I know you're hurt and you won't even show it!"

"Is that why you got off with Irvine? To hurt me? It fucking worked, Rinoa." His voice was quiet, deadly. "I know I've no right, I know you're not mine, but I thought you understood. I thought you respected and cared for me. But no, it's my best friend you want to be with. Or are you just another of his conquests?"

"It was just a kiss!" Rinoa pushed away the memory of how, just for a second out there in the sunshine, she'd wanted it to be more, "it wasn't important!

"Then why did you come up here and tell me all about it?" He tried to control his growing anger, but with little success.

"Because I know how people talk and I wanted to explain."

"Explain what? That you can't wait for me any longer? That Irvine's got something I haven't? Or did you just have a complete memory lapse and fall on the first man you found? I don't care, Rinoa. If you want Irvine that's fine. I hope you'll both be very happy. Now get the fuck out of my office. Before I tell you how I really feel."

Hot tears ran down her cheeks; she was trembling with her own anger and regret. "I'm sorry I told you," she whispered. "I thought it was the right thing to do. I don't know why I've wasted all this time waiting for you." She ripped his ring and it's chain from around her neck and hurled it at him, sparks flying from the magic that overflowed from her pain. "You're not capable of loving anyone but yourself. I don't want Irvine, he's just a friend, but my God I'm going to go and find someone who really does want me!"

She turned and fled, leaving him standing alone in his big, empty office, oblivious to the magic that burned his hand where he clasped his ring.

* * * * * * *

The way Rinoa's day was going she shouldn't have been surprised that she bumped - literally - into Selphie as she ran down the corridor away from Squall. She tried to pull herself together and hide her tears, but with little success.

"Rinoa! What's the matter?"

Selphie, generous as always with her affections, threw her arms around her friend and gave her a huge hug, before searching her face for some clue as to what might be wrong. "Don't tell me that big oaf Irvine forgot to come and train with you?"

At the mention of Irvine's name Rinoa burst into tears all over again.

"Oh, Rin, don't cry. Come to my room, I'll make us some tea and you can tell me about it."

Unable to argue, Rinoa allowed Selphie to take her hand and lead her swiftly down the corridor.

* * * * * * *

Irvine was writing his journal when Squall came crashing through the door. He had never seen his friend so angry before, and swiftly realised that he was on the wrong end of it.

"Man, I… ow!"

Later, Irvine thought to be grateful that Squall had come over all old fashioned and hit him with his fist rather than his gunblade. He was a swordsman, not a martial artist, and while his punch was full of passion, it wasn't deadly.

At the time, Irvine mainly thought 'ow' followed closely by 'shit' as he realised that Squall must have found out about Rinoa.

He moved out of the way of the second punch, and put his hands up to block the third.

"Woah, Squall, we need to talk."

Squall hesitated for a moment.

"Why? Give me one fucking good reason why I shouldn't beat the crap out of you."

"Because I used to be your best friend? Because it wasn't how you think?" tried Irvine, talking as fast as he could.

Squall glared at him, but his hands fell to his side.

"So what have you got to say?"

"Okay. Just a minute." Irvine backed away slowly. "Come in and shut the… what's left of the door…" actually, there wasn't anything left except a pile of firewood. "Never mind." He went to the sink in the corner of his room and splashed his face with cold water, trying to stem the blood streaming from his nose.

"Well? I haven't got all day, Kinneas."

"I take it someone told you they saw me and Rinoa… looking close."

"Something like that."

"Well, thanks for coming to clear things up."

"I didn't. I came to beat the crap out of you. And I'm getting impatient."

Irvine dried his face on a towel and pulled his hair back, retying his customary ponytail. "I have some stuff to say, Squall. All I ask is that you listen to me. Then, if you still want to, you can hit me some more…" He touched his nose and winced. It was already starting to swell.

"Go on."

Irvine took a deep breath, and spoke carefully. "You're the best friend I've ever had, Squall, and Selphie's the only woman I want. I'm devastated that I hurt you. Rinoa's been really unhappy today. I comforted her and I felt close to her and we stepped over a line. At the end of the day I'm a man and I've never been good at controlling myself. Rinoa's beautiful and I couldn't resist. I don't want to get between the two of you. Do what you like to me, but please don't be hard on Rinoa. She loves you so much."

"Then why would she do this to me?" There was a plaintive quality to Squall's voice, despite the steeliness of his eyes.

"Squall, I think she's lonely. She needs affection. Someone to lean on sometimes. You and I both know she wants that person to be you. But… you've not been there for her, have you? Really?"

Squall's anger was dissolving.

"Come on, sit down, man. Let me get you a drink or something."

Squall shook his head, but sank slowly onto the edge of Irvine's bed. He couldn't trust himself to speak.

"She really loves you, Squall. What's holding you back?" Irvine sat next to him.

"I can't get close to her," whispered Squall. "When it comes to Rinoa, I can't think straight."

"Love makes you do the wacky."

"No, it's more than that. I really can't think about it. My mind kind of … wriggles off."

Irvine frowned. "What?"

"I can't concentrate on it. If I think about maybe going out with her… my mind won't let me. I've even thought of counselling."

Irvine smiled to himself: for someone as silent and guarded as Squall, counselling would be more torture than slaying a thousand dragons. "Have you considered it might be magical, Squall?" he suggested gently.

"What?" Squall looked up in surprise.

"Well, I know you're not good at relationships but this isn't right, even for you," he considered a moment. "I can find out. Let me in your mind."

"No fucking way!" Squall leapt to his feet, "I came here to beat the crap out of you, remember!"

"Sit down," said Irvine gently, "look. I'll do a deal with you. I'll use Ether to form a two-way link. I'll look for any magical stuff in your mind and you can check out my feelings for Rinoa. Have a look at my memories."

Squall studied his friend's face. "Are you serious? What if…"

"I owe you that much, Squall, if you think it'll help. Just be careful."

Squall sat down slowly, considering what Irvine was suggesting. It was a hugely generous offer. By letting Squall into his mind Irvine was risking all sorts of damage, especially as he must have been aware of how angry Squall felt towards him. He knew Guardian Ether could make links between minds, but as far as he remembered there was no guarantee that Irvine's memories would remain intact once Squall had come into contact with them. Perhaps that's what Irvine wanted, to forget what had happened? But the concern on his friend's face suggested otherwise. He was just trying to offer Squall something to make up for the hurt. He obviously thought it was worth the risk.

"Alright then. If you're sure."

Irvine nodded. "Hold my hands and try to relax." Squall reluctantly offered Irvine his hands. "Oh, come on, you can still hit me later if you like, but for this you've got to trust me."

Squall tried his best to relax. They sat cross-legged on the bed, opposite each other.

"We won't be able to communicate while we're joined." Irvine explained. "Ether will come into your mind like any other Guardian, and then you'll feel my mind too. Just be careful not to mix your feelings with mine. Ether will show you the way, just experience it like a dream."

Squall nodded. Irvine took his hands and intertwined their fingers.

"Look into my eyes," he said. Squall did as he was told, although not without some awkwardness: he had, after all, intended to give Irvine a hiding, not to end up holding hands and gazing into his eyes. But after a few seconds he found he was losing himself in Irvine's steady gaze.

"Lionhart." He heard Ether's formal acknowledgement as the Guardian entered his mind. For some reason Guardians always used the archaic form of his name. "I will join you with Sniper. Be still."

Squall was aware of Irvine's consciousness gradually entering his own. He sensed concern, determination.

"Sniper quests. Be still. Float."

He started to wonder what he was supposed to be doing, but Ether's presence calmed him and he started, slowly, to imagine he was Irvine. Some of the memories he already knew: their shared childhood, past missions. But experiencing things from Irvine's viewpoint was different. Squall was surprised a the love, respect and affection Irvine felt for him, and his other friends. He saw Selphie as Irvine saw her: smart, funny, Squall could see, but beautiful, powerful - funny, she always seemed shorter to me, he thought - sexy? He saw various other women from Irvine's point of view, a lot of women, and began to appreciate the true extent of his friend's experience with the opposite sex.

Squall continued to search for Riona, all the time fighting down his pain and jealousy to protect Irvine's memory. Just for a second, he considered trying to remove this experience form his friend's mind, to steal back what had been stolen from him. But he couldn't.

"Float," Ether commanded. "The Sniper will cleanse."

Squall gladly blanked his mind; he felt Irvine channelling Ether's energy through him in a cleansing spell. He controlled the panic as he realised what this meant: Irvine had found something wrong. A soft, cool feeling spread through him, like half melted snow, and he was almost overwhelmed by the crystal sharp clarity of thought that followed.

All of a sudden, he found what he was looking for. He was Irvine, in the quad, doing tai chi (rather well, actually) with Rinoa. Squall felt Irvine's respect and affection for Riona, his appreciation of her strength, her beauty, her honesty. The tai chi stopped: Squall felt the charge between them as if it was he who was there, drawing her to him with his gaze, her breath on his face. Quickly he wrenched his own feelings back, and concentrated on Irvine. He felt Irvine's urge to kiss Rinoa, a mixture of lust and curiosity. He felt Rinoa's lips, her tongue, her overwhelming sensuality; and Irvine's response: hot, instinctive, pure sexual energy.

They stopped kissing, and Squall braced himself. Was this the moment he'd lost Rinoa to Irvine?

No. Irvine's feelings were the same: hot desire and affection, but not love. Suddenly there was guilt, vast, devastating regret, not for what he had done, but for what the consequences might be. Irvine felt a rage against his own reckless, thoughtless lust, and a real fear that it might cost him his best friend and the woman he really loved. Selphie. Just Selphie.

Squall started to pull back, not wanting to spy anymore. Just before he left the memory, though, he caught a glimpse of Rinoa's face. The bond, the moment between Irvine and Rinoa had been intense, but he knew her so well, he understood straight away that while Irvine had stirred her lust, she didn't love him. At least, not in the way she loved Squall. Her eyes didn't have the same sparkle, her smile wasn't quite as soft as when she looked at him.

He felt first Irvine, then Ether withdraw from his mind.

"You are well, Lionhart," said Ether, "farewell."

And they were gone.

Slowly, Squall opened his eyes, and found himself once more gazing into Irvine's, their hands still clasped together. He felt uncomfortable, as if he had been eavesdropping, and was about to pull away when a surge of emotion swept through him. Suddenly he was back in the moment when Irvine kissed Rinoa, feeling burning, uncontrollable lust. He gasped at the shock of it, and was suddenly acutely aware of Irvine's hands in his, his soft, generous mouth, long auburn hair and warm green eyes. He recognised the surprise in those eyes: Irvine felt this too.

"The link," Irvine was saying, "er.. I don't think it's quite gone. I think maybe Ether hasn't…mhnff"

He was muffled suddenly by Squall's mouth on his, reliving the desire he'd felt for Rinoa in a whole new way. Squall's kiss was breathtaking in a whole set of ways Irvine couldn't be bothered to count, but more than anything it was.. nice. Really, really nice. Never one to question good feelings when they were there to be enjoyed, Irvine kissed him back, sliding his tongue between Squall's welcoming lips and moaning softly.

Finally, gasping for air, Squall pulled back. But instead of the 'sorry, I don't know what came over me' speech Irvine was expecting, he said nothing. He just reached and untied Irvine's ponytail, freeing red-gold silk to cascade around his shoulders, such an intimate and unexpected gesture, like a challenge or a statement of intent.

Irvine was afraid to speak, for fear of ruining the moment, the potential that hung in the air between them. So it was Squall who spoke first.

"I don't understand this," he said, "but I want you."

Irvine stared at him, completely lost for words now.

"Do you want me?"

Irvine nodded slowly, and a smile spread across Squall's face, gradually and very, very sexily.

"But Squall, you realise this is probably… I mean, it's not… it's from the link… I think Ether…"

"I don't care. Want you. Now."

That was all the resistance Irvine could muster, gone. Fuck, I've got a reputation, after all. I'm not exactly known for my restraint. They didn't call me 'four in a bed Kinneas' at Galbadia for nothing. Although that seemed like a long, long time ago. Exactly. Time to get back to basics…

"I'm not going to say no, man. You look too damn tempting from where I'm sitting."

And he did: a distinctly predatory look to his pretty features, hair falling appealingly into his eyes, soft lips gently parted. Fuck, yeah. Irvine would be lying if he said he'd never thought of Squall this way before: it had crossed his mind every now and then to wonder what he might be like in the sack. Never in a million years did he expect to find out, though. Squall's as straight as they come, and anyway Rinoa…

Irvine decided it was time to stop thinking and take action, before Squall changed his mind. He pulled his friend towards him with a grunt, licked a straight line clean from his breastbone up his throat to his chin, swallowed his moans and kissed him with all the passion and lust he'd felt when he'd held Rinoa in his arms. Squall responded magnificently, tangling his fingers in Irvine's hair, pulling him closer, hip to hip, hardness to hardness.

This time it was Irvine who broke off the kiss, as somewhere in his subconscious he realised there was a problem.

"Squall, man, please don't change your mind, but there's something you need to remember."

"What? Want you. Now."

"Yes, babe, I know. But there's no door." He gestured over his shoulder. "And you're leader, you know. Can't have young and impressionable students happening by while you're boinking your best mate, know what I mean?"

Squall frowned and grabbed Irvine's belt buckle impatiently. "Want. Now."

You're not any more communicative in the hay, than you are anywhere else, are you, thought Irvine. Come on, Kinneas, think of something. "How about your place? Do you think we can make it there without you stripping me naked?"

Squall sighed, and nodded. "I'll try."

Fortunately Squall's quarters were only two corridors away from Irvine's. Having left a spell guarding the remains of his door, Irvine led the Commander of Balamb Garden to his own room, grateful that they didn't run into anyone and get discovered or, worse still, break the mood.

Irvine had been in Squall's quarters before, of course, mostly for late night card games, or to while away a few hours talking over old times with the others. But this felt strange. The rooms were big and white, spartan, really. There were only a few pieces of evidence that Squall actually lived here: his gunblade in its case leaning against one wall; an impressive collection of weapons magazines; postcards from Esthar, presumably from his father, pinned to a corkboard.

"The bedroom's through there," Squall pointed to a door off the main living area.

For a moment Irvine worried that this sudden extension to Squall's vocabulary might mean he'd come to his senses and changed his mind. One look into his lust-hazed eyes quickly dispelled his concern. "I remember," he said. "After you."

He followed Squall through to the bedroom, watching the gentle sway of slender hips in black leather jeans. It felt unreal, his mind still singing with Ether's power, but damn, it felt good.

Squall stopped by the bed, still unmade from that morning, blue quilt and pillows bunched in heaps. He raised one hand to Irvine's face, stroked his hair back over his shoulder, and pulled him them both backwards to fall onto the soft cotton sheets. Irvine allowed himself to sink into another kiss, wet and hot, pleasure creeping through every part of his body. He grunted and rolled onto his back, pulling Squall on top of him, pushing his hair back from his beautiful face.

"Clothes off," Squall murmured, straddling Irvine's thighs, "now."

"You never stop with the orders, do you, babe," Irvine said, although he obediently pulled his T-shirt over his head and helped Squall do the same. Then he turned his attention to the various buckles of Squall's belts, taking the opportunity to cover Squall's lean, smooth chest with butterfly kisses as he did so. He unzipped the leather jeans slowly, peeling them back from the flat belly underneath, listening with satisfaction to the small grunts his progress was eliciting. He watched Squall's face as he touched him for the first time, eyes open but glazed, lips parted, wet, breath coming in small gasps. "Oh, yeah, babe. So hard. You really do want this, don't you?"

Squall nodded. "Please," he whispered. He reached down and undid Irvine's jeans with surprisingly steady fingers, pulled them over his hips and ran one finger along his length from root to tip so softly that Irvine wanted to scream like a woman.

"Mmm... hot," Squall murmured approvingly, then shimmied down the bed and took Irvine's length into his warm, wet mouth.

"Gnngh... oh babe… oh babe, that's good… so good…" Irvine closed his eyes and sank into the bed, helpless as Squall gently sucked his cock, grazing him oh-so-gently with his teeth, bathing him with the delicious wetness of his tongue. Irvine had somehow assumed Squall to be a virgin, but he must have at least been on the receiving end of this before. A sudden image of Rinoa on her knees, giving Squall the blow job of a thousand fantasies, suddenly charged into his brain, threatening to make him come, but he pushed it quickly away. He wanted this to last.

He gently reached out a hand, encouraging Squall to raise his head.

"Just a moment, babe. I want you out of those pants before we go any further."

"Okay," Squall released him regretfully, licking the head of Irvine's cock in a particularly dangerous way.

"Squall… where did you learn to do that?"

"Is it good? I always used to like it being done to me."

"But… you and … girls?"

Squall grinned sheepishly, "well, before Rinoa, when I was younger… girls always liked me, you know?"

"Attracted to the strong silent type, eh?"

"Something like that. I didn't like to take advantage, and I never wanted relationships, but… sex is nice."

An understatement, thought Irvine, in the circumstances.

"I always thought you were such a loner."

"I was. Just not always alone."

That's so sad. That's one of the saddest things I've ever heard.

But Squall seemed unmoved, showering Irvine's desire in kisses and little licks.

"Do you really want me to stop?"

"Yes," he squeaked, "but don't worry, you can get right back down there just as soon as you're naked."

Squall smiled at him and stood up just long enough to discard the rest of his clothes and pull Irvine's jeans off. "Don't go away," he said, and crossed the room to rummage briefly in a drawer.

He returned with a small vial of oil; Irvine could see the colours swirling inside. He grinned.

"Elixir?"

Squall nodded.

"You really have been around, haven't you?"

He treated Irvine to one of his slow, sexy smiles. "You didn't really think I was a virgin, did you?"

"Maybe," he watched Squall carefully as he knelt on beside him on the bed and unscrewed the bottle, tipped a little into his cupped hand.

"Anyway," he was saying, looking almost coyly at Irvine from under his long, dark lashes, "I found out about this a long time before I found girls."

"Where on earth did you get elixir from at such a tender age?"

"Quistis," he grinned, "she left some lying around in the Training Centre one day. I never asked her what she was doing with it in the first place, and strangely enough she never asked for it back."

Irvine laughed and held out his hand, gasping as Squall poured the rich magical oil into his palm; it tingled and fizzed against his skin.

"Touch me," Squall said.

"Oh, babe," Irvine groaned, and gladly enveloped Squall in his oily hand, taking enormous satisfaction from the shock of pleasure that ran through his friend's body, watching as he arched his back, closed his eyes and opened his mouth in a silent moan.

Irvine worked him slowly, revenge for his teasing tongue and lips. Squall fell forward and returned the favour, coating Irvine's pulsing erection and spreading oil around his tingling balls and between his legs. Irvine started; suddenly acutely aware that apart from the odd questing finger and, on one wild night in Galbadia, a small vibrating pencil, he was very much a virgin in that area. But Squall's fingers had already left and were rubbing the effervescent oil into his chest, circling his nipples with teasing fingertips.

He felt Ether buzzing in his head…

Then Squall was kissing him again, Elixir on his tongue, like eating sherbet. He knelt over him, on all fours, his hair falling in Irvine's face, tickling, smiling into his kisses, grinding hips.

"Squall, babe…"

"Mnn…"

"I think…"

"No." Squall put a finger to Irvine's lips. "Don't think. Just touch."

"I can do better than that."

Irvine wriggled easily round under him, aided by the fresh coat of oil that by now almost covered their bodies, until he could take Squall in his mouth, a million explosions on his tongue.

"Fuck.. Irvine… oh, fuck, don't stop."

No intention of stopping, babe. None whatsoever.

He moved slowly, his lips locked around Squall's hardness. As Squall idly stroked Irvine's cock, almost absentmindedly, he rocked his hips, gently fucking his mouth. Irvine ran his fingers across Squall's backside, traced a line from the base of his spine, between his buttocks, and paused to gauge his reaction.

"Gnngh.." Squall groaned, and started to make a little purring sound deep in his throat.

Irvine let Squall's cock fall from his mouth for a moment and reached out a hand to the bottle of Elixir on the beside table. Ignoring the protests coming from his lover, he raised the Elixir and very, very slowly poured, watching as it trickled over Squall's pale skin. He followed the oil with a finger, swirling it around, feeling Squall's thighs tremble as he penetrated him, easing in one finger, then two, investigating, then gently, oh so gently, rubbing.

Squall started, then settled back onto Irvine's hand with a moan, rocking his hips gently.

That's it, babe. Nice and slow.

For a moment Irvine considered taking things further. He was fairly certain Squall would accept him willingly, but there was still a corner of his conscience that was aware that Squall might not be exactly his usual self. Safer to take things steady.

And then he lost the capacity for thought at all, as Squall's lips were on his balls, sucking them each in turn, humming... Oh fuck, babe, I can't take much of that… and then he was fucking Squall's mouth, so hot, so wet, Squall's cock pulsing in one hand, three fingers of the other buried inside him… He felt Ether's power growing in his mind, such a good match, he and his favourite Guardian, they both loved sex so much… that might explain something… can't remember what… so good, so good, so good…

"That's it babe, that's so good… oh fuck, you can do this to me anytime… I'm not sure Rinoa deserves you after all."

Fuck. Did I say that out loud?

If anything Squall just got hornier, his cock harder than ever, pumping into his fist.

Too good… too good… oh… Squall… babe…

"Here it comes.. oh babe… here ... it…"

And Irvine growled as he came, flooding Squall's mouth, bucking and writhing as Squall swallowed greedily, murmuring approval and making the most adorable slurping noises as he licked him clean. Irvine stayed hard, a natural talent that he was particularly proud of, and regained his senses enough to resume his affections, bringing Squall off in a fountain against both their bellies, catching his spurts on his tongue, lips and hair, listening to Squall moan his name, breathing in the pure scent of sex, his own orgasm still spreading through his loins.

Thank you, Sniper. Lionhart... forget...

He was dimly aware of Ether slipping away, as if falling asleep, and instinctively he let the junction go, too lost in pleasure to think, as Squall gave one final moan and curled up beside him, pulling the quilt over them both, already nearly asleep.

Gradually Irvine became aware of his surroundings again, and eventually he was able to think. Squall was snoring a little, a peaceful look on his face that he'd never seen before. Squall. Beside him. He was in bed with Squall.

How the fuck did that happen?

He propped himself up on one elbow, tenderly brushed a strand of hair off Squall's face where it was making his nose twitch. He was starting to realise what had happened. Oh no. Ether.

Why is it always me who remembers?

Reluctantly his slid out of bed, picked up his clothes and padded silently to the bathroom. He stood under the shower for a long time, thinking. Then he got dressed, combed out his hair and tied it back, and returned to the bedroom. He carefully screwed the top back on the Elixir bottle and put it back in the drawer; grateful that magical oil evaporated rather than making the mess the ordinary stuff did. He poured a glass of orange juice, and then leaned over Squall and gently kissed his forehead.

Squall said something incomprehensible, and his eyes fluttered open.

"Irvine? What.. fuck, where am I?"

"It's okay, man. You're in your room. You passed out after the link with Ether. Here. Drink this."

Squall gratefully took the juice and gulped it down, Irvine could see his tongue caressing the rim of the glass.

Down, boy.

"Thanks. How long have I been asleep?" Squall propped himself up on his elbows.

"About an hour," Irvine guessed, wildly. "What do you remember?"

Squall frowned, concentrating. "I remember your memories. Rinoa… and that it was OK. And Ether left, and… that's it."

Irvine exhaled slowly, halfway between relief and regret.

"Irvine.. are you OK?"

"Yeh, of course, babe. I guess I'm used to Ether by now."

"No, I mean your memories. Did I do any damage?" If he noticed anything strange in Irvine's choice of words he didn't say anything.

Irvine thought for a moment. "It's fine. I remember. I practised tai chi with Rinona and we kissed and I felt crap. I remember." He looked at Squall with a tinge of sadness that his friend didn't understand. "I really remember."

"Thank fuck for that. So, what did you find?"

"What?"

"In my head. During the link. You found something?"

"Oh. Yes, of course. Well, it was some kind of spell residue, I think. Like… energy left over from a spell that didn't have anywhere to go. It was strangling your feelings about Rinoa, and a few other things too. Kind of like when people have really bad memories, and they repress them? Only this was definitely artificial."

"Yes," said Squall in a small voice, "I know what the other kind feels like." When you're so afraid that you'll go mad if you remember what it felt like to be so alone, so abandoned, unloved. He shuddered. "Did you get rid of it?"

"I think so. Well, try it out. Go on, imagine a life with Rinoa. I dare you."

Squall considered for a moment, and a smile slowly spread across his pale features.

Irvine coughed delicately. "Well, it looks like a success from where I'm sitting."

Squall laughed, a sound as heart-lifting to Irvine as it was rare. "I've just been in your head too long, Irvine. You're a bad influence!"

Irvine grinned. That's probably truer than you'll ever know. "So it's okay. It's gone?"

Squall frowned in concentration. "I think so. I don't feel foggy any more. Just… usual kind of stuff."

Irvine didn't dwell too long on what kind of thoughts might be usual for Squall. "Pleased to be of service." Thanks, Ether. I owe you one. I think. "I'm sure there won't be any long term damage to your heroic qualities from being in my head a while."

"It was interesting." Squall ran his fingers through his hair, remembering the world from Irvine's viewpoint and not knowing quite how to cope with an intimacy he'd never experienced before. "You really did fancy Rinoa, didn't you?"

"Yes. But I don't…"

"Love her."

"No. Not like that. It was just one of those things."

Irvine started to relax.

It's better this way. If he never remembers. He'll never know. The perfect one-night stand.

"Well, I need to go and do some stuff," Squall was saying. "I've got a few things to sort out and there's somewhere I have to be." He sat up properly, hooking strands of hair behind his ears, vaguely aware of a stickiness on his belly that probably meant his visit to Irvine's mind and sharing those memories of Riona had blessed him with a wet dream. Great. What timing. "Um.. I'm sorry about the door."

"That's okay. I have a friend in high places around here. I'm sure he'll get it fixed."

"And your nose… oh, and Irvine?"

"Yeah?"

"Just how many women did you sleep with in Galbadia?"

Irvine grinned modestly. "Put it this way, man, you don't want to be in my mind long enough to find out."

"But Selphie…"

He shrugged. "Kind of cramped my style. Falling in love like that. I guess we all settle down in the end."

"You ought to talk to her, you know."

"Get out of here!" Irvine hit him playfully with a pillow and left before the cloud of feathers had settled.

[author's note: 'Love makes you do the wacky'™ Willow, BtVS, but just too good not to use ;-)]

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